It’s not that I haven’t had time, all I do besides work is sit at home in my room.  I’m just depressed.  Incredibly so, that having to think of words to write is just too much.  I haven’t been bingeing, but I haven’t been losing any weight.  I’ve been going to therapy, and am now going twice a week.  I go to see a specialist next week and I have to start seeing a nutritionist.

My mother found my food journal, and took it, but I plan on getting a new one this weekend.  I’m going to start SBC in February, I’ll link everyone to it at the end of the blog.  It’s run by an amazing girl that I met on twitter. :)

I almost got kicked out of school, because I didn’t do anything work my eleventh grade year.  But I’m working on it now, and trying to get caught up.

I know it’s been forever, and that wasn’t very detailed.  But I’ll try to write again soon. :)

stay strong; achieve thin.

After Christmas I lost about ten pounds.  Which I gained and lost about fifty times since then.  It’s horrible, and I feel disgusting.

I know part of it is just my body wanting to eat, so I restrict then binge.  But part of it is control. My mom has been going crazy trying to control every single thing that happens with me.  She gets mad at the littlest thing and needs everything to be her way.  What she doesn’t get is I’m literally going crazy. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is going to end, just because she wants me to go to bed at a certain time.  It’s crazy, but I need control over my life.

I want to move out, because then every aspect of my life will be in my control.  I can buy (or not buy) what food I want.  I can go to sleep when I want, go out when I want.  I know that won’t happen, though, so I’m trying to figure something else out.  I want to go live with my brother, in another state, this summer.  I need to get away, and although he works a lot and won’t be home, that’s the point.  I need to be alone. Left to do what I want.  I hope my mother lets me, and I can’t get everything at work straightened out.

I’ll try to remember to post soon.  There are two new thinspo posts on my secondary account. :)

stay strong;achieve thin.

It’s really hard not to step on the scale.  I do it usually about five times a day.  I know if I did, though, I would absolutely die of horror.  Okay, maybe nothing that dramatic.  But I don’t know what my weight would drive me to do.  Even before the holidays, I had gained three or four pounds.  I feel like if I looked now, I would be back at the weight I started at.  I feel like if I wear anything but sweats my clothes will not only fit, but be tight.  I think more than anything, more than not knowing what I would do, is the fact that there wouldn’t actually be anything to do.  I can’t cut the fat off.  No amount of exercise is going to burn off all of those calories now.  The only thing I can do is follow a strict plan for the next couple of days… maybe the next week.

I am going to definitely, no matter what, fast tomorrow.  I am not going to give in, because a salad is okay.  A salad is not okay.  Nothing is okay.  Water only.  I will try to then do that Sunday.  No, I must do that Sunday.  I don’t care if I’m with friends or with family.  I don’t deserve food.  I ate enough food for the next three weeks.  Monday, and the rest of the week, if I must eat- it will be only fruits and vegetables.  No dressing.  No juices.  Definitely no meat.  This is sure to get my weight down by the end of the week.  And then maybe, just maybe, it’ll be alright to see how fat I am.

I am going to bed earlier now, too.  More sleep = less hunger.  I know I can do it.  I have to do it.

I need to find a way to punish myself.  If I don’t achieve the goals that I have for the next week, what will I do?  Does anyone have any ways that they punish themselves.

As far as Christmas goes, it actually went well (taking food completely out of the picture).  I got speakers that I am absolutely in love with.  The bass is amazing.  I go to pick up my new Iphone and queen bed tomorrow. x3  I also got some books and craft stuff, which always excites me.  It was good to see my family, and for the most part my mom and me got along.  As far as my dad goes, there weren’t any big fights, but he wasn’t the happiest person. (when is he?)  Anyone get anything exciting for Christmas?

Stay strong;stay thin. x3

Last night I had a panic attack.  I haven’t had one in quite a while, unless it was from emetophobia.  I got snowed in at a friend’s house.  It was like midnight, and I called my mom to come get me, but she said the roads were bad and so I’d have to stay there for the night.  I don’t know if it was just the fact that I hadn’t planned this before, and had instead planned on being home that night, or if it was something else altogether.  But I absolutely freaked out, and then came the panic attack.  I did finally get home, because there was no way I was staying there.  I went to bed really freaking early that night, too.

My therapist said I have to start changing things if I want to get ”better”.  Meaning, if I want to not fail school and live in my room for the rest of my life.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I haven’t heard it before.  I know he’s right, though, I’m not sure if I am willing to change things.  I told him I wasn’t willing to change the way I eat.  He asked about changing numerous other things.  The problem is, they are all set up in my life the way they are to help me not eat.  I stay up all night because it’s easier to avoid eating at night.  I sleep through the day, then get up and go to work and already, the whole day is gone and I don’t have to worry about it.  I’m afraid if I changed my sleeping schedule, I would start eating more.  I also told him I didn’t know if I would be able to leave my room more, because this also poses the possibility of me eating more.  There’s no food in my room, making it impossible for me to eat if I stay put.  He said another option would just be to take anti-anxiety medication, but he said that that would make me gain weight.  Since I definitely don’t want that, I told him no.  My goal is to make a list of things I am willing to change in my life.  So far… I don’t have much.

I am also like four months behind in school.  Mostly because trying not to eat is a full-time thing.  I know it shouldn’t be an excuse, because their are people everywhere juggling school and other things.  But I just don’t know how to get myself to do it.  How do you guys motivate yourself to do school work?

I’ve lost more weight.  I weigh less now then I have in years, and in a way I’m proud of myself.  I’m trying not to get too comfortable, though.  I’m afraid I’ll give my body what it craves, and it will start thinking it can have whatever it want.  I’m also afraid I’m going to think that since I’m eating more calories then I should be now, that I can continue to do that because I’m still losing weight. I can’t. I don’t deserve food, I don’t deserve what I want.  I can’t be trusted with it, either.  I need to be skinny, skinnier than I am now.

I’m going to try to update my thinspo blog tonight.  I think it’d be good for me to look at some skinna ass girls.  :)  They’re beautiful, of course.

Stay strong; achieve thin. :)

she fell to the bottom of her life. she struggles to find herself in time but she can barely move. just try and get up, you have to slowly brush off. i know that words aren’t enough but you’re better than this. and i know that you’re scared. seems like someone said you had it in you. all along you said you knew this was wrong but still worth dying for.

“If who you are is wrong, then what you want is also wrong.  If what you want is wrong, you must constantly be on guard against yourself, depriving yourself, never giving yourself what you want because that’s also wrong; you can’t be trusted.  The fear is that if you allowed yourself to be yourself, you would devour the whole world.  And on an emotional level, if you let yourself be yourself, no one would love you.”

Now, this pretty much sums up how I feel about eating.  What I am is definitely not right, no matter which way you look at it.  I can’t trust myself, because when I trust myself things get out of hand.  Depriving myself is the only way to achieve any goal.  I would devour the whole world if I gave myself a little leeway.  That’s why I obsess, never letting myself stray from the thought of ”fat”.

So I think I worked out something that is going to work semi-permanently.  I am going to have four days that I am allowed 800 calories, at the most.  The other three days will be fasting days.  I’m excited to see how this turns out.  Tonight, being one of my fasting days, my mom was actually home and decided to cook dinner.  I was like, what the fuck… on a fasting day?!  So I settled with her by eating a salad instead of what she cooked for dinner.  I still feel like shit, though, because I was supposed to fast.  So tomorrow will be switched from an 800 calorie day, to a fasting day.  Yay!

Tonight I’m feeling the hunger, and I love it.  I want to wake up in the morning with the same stomach cramps I have been having all week.  I want to have my orange juice, get my metabolism going, and then go to work and not eat!  Now I’m going to catch up on some of my shows.  :)  I’ll try to update more often, but if not.. check my twitter!

Stay strong lovelies!

I’ve been stuck at the same weight for a while.  The fact that I haven’t gained anything is a miracle, but amazing.  I haven’t been binging lately, just eating a whole lot of crap.  I’m not supposed to eat every meal, that’s just a general rule.  Usually I don’t, I just eat a whole bunch of shit like cookies, chips, etc. before I actually eat a meal.  I feel like if I could cut everything else out and just eat a low calorie meal around five I’d be alright for a while.  I need to get that much under control, before I start trying to fast again.

Although things have been kind of hard, with me eating so much and such, I feel like I am slowly gaining my control back.  Like I said, I’m not binging and if I really focus I think I’ll be able to climb back up the ladder and stop eating more than 600 calories altogether.

My therapist is going to try ”breathing exercises” and some kind of hypnosis on me next week to try to stop me from binging.  I don’t particularly know how I feel about the hypnosis.  However, it’s better than binging and throwing up all my food, and I’m willing to try pretty much anything to lose weight at this point.  He doesn’t know that he’s helping me restrict to 600 calories, though, probably better for him, and definitely better for me.  He also wants to put me on anti-anxiety medication.  I was pretty okay with this at first, because my anxiety level is extremely freaking high.  He then told me that side effects can be gaining weight, and I had to resist the urge to run out of the room.

Monday was the third time I’ve seen my therapist.  He said, “I know you don’t think you’re ugly, you just feel ugly.”  I quickly corrected him, which is something I shouldn’t have done.  “I do think I am ugly… I know I am ugly”.  I realized my mistake almost immediately.  His eyes almost popped out of his head, and he said I was gorgeous.  Haha, low cut shirts can make guys lie about anything.

Stay strong girls.  :)

Oh, and a P.S….
I am going to (hopefully) get a new post up within the next couple of hours on my thinspo blog.  I’ll add extra pictures since it’s been so long since I’ve posted.  :)

So I went to West Virginia and pretty much what happened there was, I had to eat three meals every day for about five days.  I wasn’t bingeing, but I wasn’t fasting.  This was so not my intention.  But whatever, I got a lot out of it.  Now I’m back and I’ll fast.  :)  It’ll be wonderful.  I’ll turn my twitter updates back on and I’ll have the help and encouragement of everyone else who’s going through this.  I’m excited, full of energy.  I honestly can’t wait for tomorrow, just so I can not eat.

I’ll also be helping some of my close friends move.  Although it’s sad that they’re moving, I’m glad that they’ve finally got a house of their own.  I’ll be doing that pretty much all day, so I’m hoping that I’ll burn a lot of calories.  It’s cold, too.  I love the winter.  My body working to keep warm.  Plus the snow is an added bonus, although it hasn’t really snowed yet.

I hope everyone is doing well.
Stay strong. :)

So I want to go away for a week.  Just be mostly by myself, without stressed, and concentrate fully on ana.  I won’t be able to binge there, so I feel like it’ll be better.  I also want to stay here, though.  My heart wants to see him. It doesn’t want to leave and miss a chance to be with him.  But my feelings for ana will hopefully be stronger.  I need her.

I was watching a documentary on ”fat people”.  Haha, the stuff I watch, you know.  The doctors said, though, that the fat cells in your body never go away after you accumulate them, they just shrink.  It made me freak out, want to cry.  I don’t want to gain any more fat cells.  It’s disgusting.  It sounds disgusting and it looks disgusting and everyone knows it.  I’ve had so many people telling me if I just tried to be healthy that I would lose weight, and actually be able to keep it off.  But this documentary just proves further the things I’ve already known.  Half of fat people don’t even lose the weight, and the percentage of the ones who do and keep it off are even less.  That’s not going to be me.  I’m not going to waste my time, losing two pounds a freaking week.

I feel like the people around me need to change, too.  Or I need to get rid of them.  I feel like they just make me fatter.  When I go somewhere with someone who is fat, or when I am introducing someone I know to someone else I know who is fat, I always feel the need to tell them before, “they’re fat.  i already know.  they’re fat, and i do hate it”.  I want to say it, and maybe even have said it a few times.  but I don’t want to think I’m more fat just because of someone else being fat.  Does anyone else feel that way?

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  Lots of food; shit.  But Friday I leave, and I hope I’ll fast.  I hope that there’s enough memory left of ana that I can do that.  And find her in the process.  A side note, I haven’t weighed myself in a while.  Way too fucking scared.

stay strong, lovelies.

Tomorrow is a new day, though.  The start of a new week.  I’ll go to see my therapist, then go to see my lawyer.  I’ll fast, and it’ll be a redo.  Tomorrow is Monday, so I get to stay at my brothers, which is also somewhere I don’t usually eat.  I can’t wait.  I want to feel hungry again, all day.

I found this on a site I was looking at… If you have a sense of humor about your eating disorder, then you’ll probably like this.

You know you’re anorexic when…

you could be sponsored as pro for cutting huge lettuce leaves into an edible size
you spend more time planning out your eating pattern than you do on your term paper
you don’t own a single food item that does not come fat-free or reduced calorie
you haven’t “spread” margarine in months, since calorie free only comes in a spray
you’ve ripped off your clothes compulsively for the sole purpose of getting the ”accurate” weight 3 times a day
you have to schedule times with different friends so your excuse of “I already ate” will be believable.
caffeine… need I say more?
you plan strategic “eating” times so that people will think you are constantly stuffing your face.
you fill a cart with food at the grocery store and put it all back, leaving with nothing.
you spend twenty dollars on a meal and don’t put any of it in your mouth.
you know the calorie content of almost anything.
you can write your own calorie counter book/website
you automatically count calories as soon as you take a bite of something
everyone in the room is sweating in a tank top, and you’re freezing in a sweater.
you cannot drink a soda that’s not diet under any circumstances
you’re suspicious of the amount of calories the package says
you can remember the amount of calories you ate 5 days about, but you can’t remember where you put your car keys.
when you think that 100 calories for one meal is too much.
your roommate gets pissed because you keep opening (and closing) the fridge door.
you intentionally buy clothes that are a size smaller then what you currently are.
when you have to talk to yourself to find out if you can eat.
you love being hungry, because you know you’re doing something right.
you get depressed if you can’t go to your online ED-forums.

What other ones can we come up with…

I won’t talk to them about it.  I never have talked to them about anything, and I’m not about to start now, with this.  So when they think I haven’t eaten, they punish me.  This makes me laugh, too.  It’s such a ridiculous thought.  They take away my laptop, my phone, they won’t let me go anywhere.  And of course, I care.  They’re taking away my life, what keeps me sane.  But I don’t let them know that.  Besides, I’m sure next week when I go to see my therapist he definitely won’t agree with how they’re handling this.  I’ve already won.

The first two days they knew I binged like crazy.  I thought it was going to be some horrible thing and now I’d have to eat.  But I quickly learned and felt like shit for all the food I had put into my stomach.  All the FAT.  I gained a pound after that.  So I’m fasting now, and as long as I can.  I really hope I don’t eat, I need to make up for those two days.  I need to make up for my whole life.  I feel so hungry now, and it feels so wonderful.  I hope I’ll go to bed tonight feeling this way.

I also have found a lawyer because I am, and have been, trying to get emancipated.  If I get emancipated I won’t have to deal with my fucking parents all over me about everything.  I won’t be so stressed and anxious.  And of course, I won’t have to buy food.  I realize it’s not easy to get emancipated, but I am trying to find a way.

-stay strong.