just let go of me.

{ December 26, 2009 @ 6:14 am } · { Uncategorized }
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As everyone knows yesterday was Christmas Eve and today is Christmas day.  It got to a point sometime in Christmas Eve morning, where I realized I was going to have to give in to all of the food, let go of my mind.  Succumb to the numbness where food is nothing but another everyday occurrence.  I was scared, yes.  I knew that afterwords, now, I wouldn’t be able to step on the scale.  I wouldn’t be able to add all the calories without driving myself completely insane.  I can rename most of what I ate, but I don’t dare say it all out loud, or write it down.  I knew that I was going to have to work hard to get all that food to go away.

It’s really hard not to step on the scale.  I do it usually about five times a day.  I know if I did, though, I would absolutely die of horror.  Okay, maybe nothing that dramatic.  But I don’t know what my weight would drive me to do.  Even before the holidays, I had gained three or four pounds.  I feel like if I looked now, I would be back at the weight I started at.  I feel like if I wear anything but sweats my clothes will not only fit, but be tight.  I think more than anything, more than not knowing what I would do, is the fact that there wouldn’t actually be anything to do.  I can’t cut the fat off.  No amount of exercise is going to burn off all of those calories now.  The only thing I can do is follow a strict plan for the next couple of days… maybe the next week.

I am going to definitely, no matter what, fast tomorrow.  I am not going to give in, because a salad is okay.  A salad is not okay.  Nothing is okay.  Water only.  I will try to then do that Sunday.  No, I must do that Sunday.  I don’t care if I’m with friends or with family.  I don’t deserve food.  I ate enough food for the next three weeks.  Monday, and the rest of the week, if I must eat- it will be only fruits and vegetables.  No dressing.  No juices.  Definitely no meat.  This is sure to get my weight down by the end of the week.  And then maybe, just maybe, it’ll be alright to see how fat I am.

I am going to bed earlier now, too.  More sleep = less hunger.  I know I can do it.  I have to do it.

I need to find a way to punish myself.  If I don’t achieve the goals that I have for the next week, what will I do?  Does anyone have any ways that they punish themselves.

As far as Christmas goes, it actually went well (taking food completely out of the picture).  I got speakers that I am absolutely in love with.  The bass is amazing.  I go to pick up my new Iphone and queen bed tomorrow. x3  I also got some books and craft stuff, which always excites me.  It was good to see my family, and for the most part my mom and me got along.  As far as my dad goes, there weren’t any big fights, but he wasn’t the happiest person. (when is he?)  Anyone get anything exciting for Christmas?

Stay strong;stay thin. x3

i want to be skinny.

{ December 22, 2009 @ 7:37 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I suck at updating my blog.  I know.  I’m on twitter too much.  I’ve found some really sweeet girls there.  Besides the fact that I don’t feel so alone reading all of their updates, (which yeah, sounds lame) they get everyone that’s on there, including me.  They’re just lovely.  :)

Last night I had a panic attack.  I haven’t had one in quite a while, unless it was from emetophobia.  I got snowed in at a friend’s house.  It was like midnight, and I called my mom to come get me, but she said the roads were bad and so I’d have to stay there for the night.  I don’t know if it was just the fact that I hadn’t planned this before, and had instead planned on being home that night, or if it was something else altogether.  But I absolutely freaked out, and then came the panic attack.  I did finally get home, because there was no way I was staying there.  I went to bed really freaking early that night, too.

My therapist said I have to start changing things if I want to get ”better”.  Meaning, if I want to not fail school and live in my room for the rest of my life.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I haven’t heard it before.  I know he’s right, though, I’m not sure if I am willing to change things.  I told him I wasn’t willing to change the way I eat.  He asked about changing numerous other things.  The problem is, they are all set up in my life the way they are to help me not eat.  I stay up all night because it’s easier to avoid eating at night.  I sleep through the day, then get up and go to work and already, the whole day is gone and I don’t have to worry about it.  I’m afraid if I changed my sleeping schedule, I would start eating more.  I also told him I didn’t know if I would be able to leave my room more, because this also poses the possibility of me eating more.  There’s no food in my room, making it impossible for me to eat if I stay put.  He said another option would just be to take anti-anxiety medication, but he said that that would make me gain weight.  Since I definitely don’t want that, I told him no.  My goal is to make a list of things I am willing to change in my life.  So far… I don’t have much.

I am also like four months behind in school.  Mostly because trying not to eat is a full-time thing.  I know it shouldn’t be an excuse, because their are people everywhere juggling school and other things.  But I just don’t know how to get myself to do it.  How do you guys motivate yourself to do school work?

I’ve lost more weight.  I weigh less now then I have in years, and in a way I’m proud of myself.  I’m trying not to get too comfortable, though.  I’m afraid I’ll give my body what it craves, and it will start thinking it can have whatever it want.  I’m also afraid I’m going to think that since I’m eating more calories then I should be now, that I can continue to do that because I’m still losing weight. I can’t. I don’t deserve food, I don’t deserve what I want.  I can’t be trusted with it, either.  I need to be skinny, skinnier than I am now.

I’m going to try to update my thinspo blog tonight.  I think it’d be good for me to look at some skinna ass girls.  :)  They’re beautiful, of course.

Stay strong; achieve thin. :)

she fell to the bottom of her life. she struggles to find herself in time but she can barely move. just try and get up, you have to slowly brush off. i know that words aren’t enough but you’re better than this. and i know that you’re scared. seems like someone said you had it in you. all along you said you knew this was wrong but still worth dying for.

you can’t forget it.

{ December 17, 2009 @ 7:07 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I have been doing fairly well in not bingeing and staying on track with my “eating schedule”.  I am smaller than I have been in years.  And by smaller I don’t mean skinny, not by a long shot.  But it is something, a goal I have been trying to reach for a long time now, but could never quite seem to achieve.  I have now, and I know why.  There is a quote in a book I am reading right now, that I really like.

“If who you are is wrong, then what you want is also wrong.  If what you want is wrong, you must constantly be on guard against yourself, depriving yourself, never giving yourself what you want because that’s also wrong; you can’t be trusted.  The fear is that if you allowed yourself to be yourself, you would devour the whole world.  And on an emotional level, if you let yourself be yourself, no one would love you.”

Now, this pretty much sums up how I feel about eating.  What I am is definitely not right, no matter which way you look at it.  I can’t trust myself, because when I trust myself things get out of hand.  Depriving myself is the only way to achieve any goal.  I would devour the whole world if I gave myself a little leeway.  That’s why I obsess, never letting myself stray from the thought of ”fat”.

So I think I worked out something that is going to work semi-permanently.  I am going to have four days that I am allowed 800 calories, at the most.  The other three days will be fasting days.  I’m excited to see how this turns out.  Tonight, being one of my fasting days, my mom was actually home and decided to cook dinner.  I was like, what the fuck… on a fasting day?!  So I settled with her by eating a salad instead of what she cooked for dinner.  I still feel like shit, though, because I was supposed to fast.  So tomorrow will be switched from an 800 calorie day, to a fasting day.  Yay!

Tonight I’m feeling the hunger, and I love it.  I want to wake up in the morning with the same stomach cramps I have been having all week.  I want to have my orange juice, get my metabolism going, and then go to work and not eat!  Now I’m going to catch up on some of my shows.  :)  I’ll try to update more often, but if not.. check my twitter!

Stay strong lovelies!

the water is shallow here.

{ December 10, 2009 @ 4:06 am } · { Uncategorized }
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There really hasn’t been much going on, which is why I haven’t been posting too much.  Nothing is worth blogging about, because it’s things I’ve said a million times.  I figured I’d blog tonight, though, to catch everyone up.

I’ve been stuck at the same weight for a while.  The fact that I haven’t gained anything is a miracle, but amazing.  I haven’t been binging lately, just eating a whole lot of crap.  I’m not supposed to eat every meal, that’s just a general rule.  Usually I don’t, I just eat a whole bunch of shit like cookies, chips, etc. before I actually eat a meal.  I feel like if I could cut everything else out and just eat a low calorie meal around five I’d be alright for a while.  I need to get that much under control, before I start trying to fast again.

Although things have been kind of hard, with me eating so much and such, I feel like I am slowly gaining my control back.  Like I said, I’m not binging and if I really focus I think I’ll be able to climb back up the ladder and stop eating more than 600 calories altogether.

My therapist is going to try ”breathing exercises” and some kind of hypnosis on me next week to try to stop me from binging.  I don’t particularly know how I feel about the hypnosis.  However, it’s better than binging and throwing up all my food, and I’m willing to try pretty much anything to lose weight at this point.  He doesn’t know that he’s helping me restrict to 600 calories, though, probably better for him, and definitely better for me.  He also wants to put me on anti-anxiety medication.  I was pretty okay with this at first, because my anxiety level is extremely freaking high.  He then told me that side effects can be gaining weight, and I had to resist the urge to run out of the room.

Monday was the third time I’ve seen my therapist.  He said, “I know you don’t think you’re ugly, you just feel ugly.”  I quickly corrected him, which is something I shouldn’t have done.  “I do think I am ugly… I know I am ugly”.  I realized my mistake almost immediately.  His eyes almost popped out of his head, and he said I was gorgeous.  Haha, low cut shirts can make guys lie about anything.

Stay strong girls.  :)

Oh, and a P.S….
I am going to (hopefully) get a new post up within the next couple of hours on my thinspo blog.  I’ll add extra pictures since it’s been so long since I’ve posted.  :)

sweet dreams.

{ December 5, 2009 @ 6:30 am } · { Uncategorized }
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It’s been nine days since I posted.  Nine days away from my ana community.  I feel like it’s been a year.  I’ve gained a million pounds.  I’ve lost all self-control.  I’ve lost any will at all to try and save myself.  Fasting is the only choice I have left.  Being fat like this just isn’t an option anymore, you know?

So I went to West Virginia and pretty much what happened there was, I had to eat three meals every day for about five days.  I wasn’t bingeing, but I wasn’t fasting.  This was so not my intention.  But whatever, I got a lot out of it.  Now I’m back and I’ll fast.  :)  It’ll be wonderful.  I’ll turn my twitter updates back on and I’ll have the help and encouragement of everyone else who’s going through this.  I’m excited, full of energy.  I honestly can’t wait for tomorrow, just so I can not eat.

I’ll also be helping some of my close friends move.  Although it’s sad that they’re moving, I’m glad that they’ve finally got a house of their own.  I’ll be doing that pretty much all day, so I’m hoping that I’ll burn a lot of calories.  It’s cold, too.  I love the winter.  My body working to keep warm.  Plus the snow is an added bonus, although it hasn’t really snowed yet.

I hope everyone is doing well.
Stay strong. :)

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