I suck at updating my blog. I know. I’m on twitter too much. I’ve found some really sweeet girls there. Besides the fact that I don’t feel so alone reading all of their updates, (which yeah, sounds lame) they get everyone that’s on there, including me. They’re just lovely. :)
Last night I had a panic attack. I haven’t had one in quite a while, unless it was from emetophobia. I got snowed in at a friend’s house. It was like midnight, and I called my mom to come get me, but she said the roads were bad and so I’d have to stay there for the night. I don’t know if it was just the fact that I hadn’t planned this before, and had instead planned on being home that night, or if it was something else altogether. But I absolutely freaked out, and then came the panic attack. I did finally get home, because there was no way I was staying there. I went to bed really freaking early that night, too.
My therapist said I have to start changing things if I want to get ”better”. Meaning, if I want to not fail school and live in my room for the rest of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I haven’t heard it before. I know he’s right, though, I’m not sure if I am willing to change things. I told him I wasn’t willing to change the way I eat. He asked about changing numerous other things. The problem is, they are all set up in my life the way they are to help me not eat. I stay up all night because it’s easier to avoid eating at night. I sleep through the day, then get up and go to work and already, the whole day is gone and I don’t have to worry about it. I’m afraid if I changed my sleeping schedule, I would start eating more. I also told him I didn’t know if I would be able to leave my room more, because this also poses the possibility of me eating more. There’s no food in my room, making it impossible for me to eat if I stay put. He said another option would just be to take anti-anxiety medication, but he said that that would make me gain weight. Since I definitely don’t want that, I told him no. My goal is to make a list of things I am willing to change in my life. So far… I don’t have much.
I am also like four months behind in school. Mostly because trying not to eat is a full-time thing. I know it shouldn’t be an excuse, because their are people everywhere juggling school and other things. But I just don’t know how to get myself to do it. How do you guys motivate yourself to do school work?
I’ve lost more weight. I weigh less now then I have in years, and in a way I’m proud of myself. I’m trying not to get too comfortable, though. I’m afraid I’ll give my body what it craves, and it will start thinking it can have whatever it want. I’m also afraid I’m going to think that since I’m eating more calories then I should be now, that I can continue to do that because I’m still losing weight. I can’t. I don’t deserve food, I don’t deserve what I want. I can’t be trusted with it, either. I need to be skinny, skinnier than I am now.
I’m going to try to update my thinspo blog tonight. I think it’d be good for me to look at some skinna ass girls. :) They’re beautiful, of course.
Stay strong; achieve thin. :)
she fell to the bottom of her life. she struggles to find herself in time but she can barely move. just try and get up, you have to slowly brush off. i know that words aren’t enough but you’re better than this. and i know that you’re scared. seems like someone said you had it in you. all along you said you knew this was wrong but still worth dying for.
